So, yesterday, Yvonne and I got into a Twitter convo about how we think people perceive us, how we HOPE people perceive, our feelings about God, and our hope that He knows the real us. This made me think. I thought of the last month’s suicides in the news. Did they have these same questions, but bottled them up instead of talking to someone about them? I know I’ve talked about my feelings on the subject and I even made mention of an instance that I personally made put myself through.
It’s been a while since I let a skeleton out of the closet, so it’s story time:
Like I said, I was a mad kid. The more I understood, the madder I got. I was pretty independent, made friends easily, but there were things I just couldn’t beat…and, that ate me. Of course, I needed someone to blame. Parental units, I couldn’t be mad at them, I needed them too much. Friends didn’t understand, how could they? Joey and Noe, I could talk to, but their bitches weren’t mine per se. God was the easy target, and He didn’t answer questions.
Yeah, I knew suicide was wrong by God, but God was my enemy, right? Why would I want to be with Him forever? I didn’t, but I didn’t want to stay above ground if I couldn’t be normal either. Sounds like the movies I rail on nowadays, right? It’s amazing what a botched suicide, time, and growing up can do.
Anyway, I had asthma pretty bad, so I always had a full inhaler. I held Dad’s gun before, but knew I wasn’t strong enough to pull the trigger and pill bottles’ve always been crip proof, so it was the inhaler.
Now, anybody who’s taken an inhaler knows how much the med makes you jittery. Yeah, try draining one.
Let’s do a bit of suicide 101. THERE IS NO WAY TO COMMIT SUICIDE WITHOUT PAIN!
- · Even if you shoot yourself in the head, and mind you A LOT of people DON’T get it right, of that split second, you’ll feel pain.
- Hanging, AGAIN, most people DON’T get it right, suffocating to death.
- Pills. Everybody gets this WRONG. Yeah, you fall asleep, but when your body starts to shut down, it wakes up and tries to get rid of said pills, but you’re high, so you drown in your own puke.
BTW, all these are messy. I could go on, but you guys get the point.
Chugging an inhaler ain’t any different. I was more jittery than any time I’d taken a drag, any time with my CP…and, my heart was beating so fast, I could hear it in my head and ears. It hurt…bad.
I was mad when I woke up the next day, but I figured, somehow, I was meant to stay above ground for some reason. Then, I started losing friends that got it right, friends I thought had everything going for them. That’s when I learned the permanent solution for a temporary problem bit.
Joey told you guys what she does when she goes to that dark place we all go. She also invited you to share. Sharing’s the first step out.
I started taking that first step after that time. Don’t let it get that far for you. Baby steps, but step.
Be good to each other.