Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Doggie Dating

Morning, Dudes and Dudettes…

So, I’m gonna flip the script on you for a bit.

A few months ago, I did a proposal on Upwork for a client that supposedly was getting a doggie dating site going.  He wanted 20 funny bios, each 50 words to put on this site.  Anyhoo, I apparently didn’t get the job, but I thought the idea was so quirky and fun, I ran with it.

So, without further ado…

Hello, my lovely ladies, my name’s Hollywood.  I‘m a buff 10-year-old Shih Tzu with a penchant for spontaneous buggery with right mate.  I like sunning myself (you think this golden tan comes in a bottle), I like my food Victor, and my water Dasani from the fridge.  Ladies, come on.

Hi, peeps, I’m Chewy, and I’m a 8-year-old Lhasa Apso that’s a free spirit, and likes to dance the night away.  I’m outgoing, so that everybody on the block knows my name, but at the same time, I can be quiet and contemplative.  I hate fireworks, but I love cactus

Danny Boy here.  Ladies, I’m a big and gruff German Sheppard with a naturally silky, smooth coat to keep you warm on the long walks we’re going to be taking.  But, I have a soft side as well…I love black cats, so I’m an equal opportunist.  Ladies, come get me.

My name is Lucky Rhode, I’m a pure bred black lab, who’s 14-years-old, so I’ve been around the block a few times…if you get my drift.  I’m easygoing and affectionate, but I won’t think twice to sit on the head of a yippy dog that messes with my girl, capisce?

I’m Annie.  Yes, I’m a Rottweiler, but I’m a lady.  I like running around the backyard, and when I see you, I’ll come at you full-bore, then, put on the brakes…and give you a lady-like hug.  I look intimidating, but it’s just a façade.  I like my bubble baths freaky.

Cujo in the house!  Yeah, I’m a Chihuahua, what of it?  I do what I like, when I like.  I like my women to pee on the sidewalk, and trashy.  When I cross the street, I stop traffic without fail.  I’ll step to any dog, who wants to throw down.

Uh, hi, my name is Tiny.  I am a Saint Bernard.  I do not know why I am doing this.  My friends put me up to this, really.  Here it goes, I am a lap dog that likes to watch the Hallmark and Lifetime channels with my face in popcorn.

My name is FeFe, I am a first generation French Poodle.  Contrary to my breed, I am not, how do you say it, high maintenance.  I like my caviar and Dom Perignon chilled.  But, I can really, how you say, cut loose listening to some Beethoven or some Mozart nightly.

Hiya, I’m Ginger, I’m a country gal kind of a Boxer.  I like skunks and bunny rabbits and just about anything else that moves, so if you’re into running, I’m the one for you.  I’m a sloppy kisser that likes to drool on everything.  So, come to the ranch, Hon!

Is this thing on?  Testing, testing.  OK.  The name’s Spud, yes, the Spud.  I’mma party Bull Terrier with a long line of chicks following my tail.  I roll with my homies down the Strip.  I like my water spiked and my bones large.  Mu temp’s always 102.5, so, it’s a-go.

Carpe diem.  My name is Baxter, and I’m your average Great Dane puppy that likes to play hide and seek and swimming with the ladies.  Speaking about water, I love lots of it…especially from the fire hydrant.  I like playing catch with my master.  However, he falls catching my balls.

I’m begging you for a date, I’m really, really begging.  If my puppy dog eyes don’t suck you in, I’ll get down on two knees, and beg.  I love window shopping at tables.  It’s the best.  Say you want to go with me, I’m begging, please, please, please, please, please.

*snort* Hey, *snort* my name is Sammy. *snort* I’m the type of Pug that likes chillax. *snort* It’s all good. *snort* I like checking things out, it doesn’t matter what it is *snort* as long as it keeps my attention.  Then, it’s on to the next thing. *snort* Well, bye.

I’m Millie.  I’m reserved for a Pit Bull.  I keep to myself most of the time.  People thinking I’m sweet and kind, and wouldn’t hurt a fly…hehehe, it’s the quiet ones that need watching.  I’m just watching and waiting for my chance to take over these humans in world domination.

*PAW TAPPING* My name’s Bullet, I’m a Greyhound as you can see.  I’m adventurous stealing unmentionables from anyone in my house.  Whether I know you is irrelevant.  I tend to pee when I get excited and run away after I smell who you are.  OK, well, gotta go right now.

Whew, is it hot in here, or is it just Russell?  I’m looking for a snow Husky, like myself, who doesn’t mind below freezing temperatures to take those ugly two-legged dogs for a run.  Afterwards, we can go and get drinks from the big porcelain bowl.  Then, it’s trash dinner.

I want to draw you in.  I’m just a simple English sheepdog, Jeeves.  I bite heels.  It’s a habit.  Sorry, about the smell, occupational hazard.  You know, sheep and all.  After work, I like to bring my masters gifts from the field.  I never understand why they throw them away.

Bulldogs get a bad rap.  So ugly, I’m cute…pssshau.  They call me Bowser, don’t see it.  I like giving drool showers to my favorite people and that special lady friend.  Otherwise, I like interior decorating, tearing up pillows, toilet paper, my bed they bought me to make a better bed.

They call me a wiener dog, no, I’m a Dachshund.  My name is Dasha.  And, my eyes are up here.  Crotch sniffers need not apply.  In my spare time, I like making upside down castles by the fence, and playing Keep Away from my Poppa across town.  Come meet me.

Hi.  I’m Fang.  I’m a Boarhound likes to play with Invisibility Cloaks, play with dragons, and share a flask or six of Amortentia (infatuation potion from Snape’s stash) potion to get the night rolling.  My master says I’m a big baby, but they always say, ‘You are like your master.’

I hope I put a smile on your faces this AM.  Be good to each other.


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